


I'm sorry, brother; so sorry, lover. Forgive me, father? I love you, mother!

by ofmonstersandleashes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Finally, Grief/Mourning, Happy Birthday Keith (Voltron), Introspection, Light Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Self-Acceptance, keith cries, that's it that's the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-28 21:12:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21398728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofmonstersandleashes/pseuds/ofmonstersandleashes
Summary: The desert hasn’t changed much. A bit lapidated by time but still feels the same, much like Keith felt about himself. Instead of thinking he has no place on earth, this time he believes he can have a place anywhere he wants and tonight, this place is here.
Relationships: Keith & Keith's Father (Voltron), Keith & Krolia (Voltron), Keith & Voltron Paladins, Keith/Shiro (Voltron)
Kudos: 23





	I'm sorry, brother; so sorry, lover. Forgive me, father? I love you, mother!

**Author's Note:**

> This is short because it was supposed to be a thread on twitter but word count annoys me so it goes here. The other stuff I had for his birthday are taking longer than expected so this happened. I just want him to cry, baby boy deserved to cry ): 
> 
> Title is from BMTH's [Can You Feel My Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXjf5kAQIf4).

Keith always had questions about his mom. When he was young and yet too innocent, he would let those escape him without filter. Keith knew his father wouldn’t lie and could see how much it pained dad to talk about her, but his deflections disguised as promises that she’d be back only served to fuel the things Keith would learn _ too soon _ to be called fears.

So Keith would tell dad he understood, and — just like he knew his father did every night Keith brought her up — only cry in silence, with the darkness of his bedroom as a company.

Then, dad was gone and Keith was told he was a hero. Keith didn't care, dad was gone, just like his mother and Keith was alone. He wanted to cry, but something else took over his heart. Something that weighed on him, made him feel sick but helped him not to cry around people that — much like he’d done to his father — would only pretend to understand. 

So Keith decided to welcome it.

Until Shiro offered him a hand, became a friend to talk to and a shining light to guide him. Made something else bloom in Keith's heart, something that encouraged him to not be afraid when he learned Shiro's light was flickering.

It was something deeper, stronger, but Keith had no chance to even understand it until Shiro was gone and Keith was alone in the desert. Heart fed up with the empty promises that time would heal him 

Keith screamed. There was no one to hear him anyway, so he screamed until his throat was sore, his jaw was hurting, his eyes burning and his mind begging for him to stop because it was pointless. 

Keith was alone, and the desert didn’t care, so it got easier to hold back his tears after that.

He noticed it when Shiro fell from the sky, scarred and missing an arm, but the emergency in getting Shiro to safety helped to put his feelings aside. Then, having more people around him helped to put his feelings aside, the bigger picture helped him putting his feelings aside. Even when Keith got some of the answers he'd been dreaming with since he used to cry in the comfort of his childhood bed.

When Keith lost Shiro again, he wished he could cry, but never did. There were many new things sharing a home with the anger on his chest, including an unquestionable and perhaps — as he would admit on his worst days, but only to himself — a bit irrational feeling that he needed to find Shiro.

It never felt like hope, even if hope threatened to get the best of him at times, claiming he had found Shiro once and could damn well do it again. But hope is a treacherous thing, and Keith learned a long time ago to be careful with its influence.

He wondered if it was denial, but his heart wasn't telling him Shiro _ could _ be out there or _ had _ to be out there. It told him Shiro _ is _ out there. And the feeling only grew every time Keith entered Black's cockpit. Shiro's presence encompassed him, drowned him, got his heart racing with the illusory anticipation of hearing Shiro's voice coming from behind him at any second. Maybe stubbornly insisting that Black's pilot chair suited him.

The anger wanted to blame Black, but Keith knew he couldn't. Shiro loved his lion, and she was nothing but patient to Keith, even when he tried to push her away. And that's why when she leads him to Shiro, the feeling that warmed Keith's heart was _ relief _.

Weirdly enough, the presence didn't dim after that. Even with Shiro's reassurance, even when his team demanded from him a more responsible position. Because Keith felt like Shiro was lying, even if Shiro himself wasn't aware of it, and as much as Keith longed to fit in and belong on the team, his heart wanted to push him in another direction, to search for the answers he couldn't find as Voltron's head.

And Keith imagined finding his mother a few times, always wondered if this would be the time he'd finally break down. But Keith didn't recognize her voice, or her face, and realized it was almost as easy to push his feelings away then as it had been in Naxzella.

Even when he was lost in space, seeing memories of his parent's past and dreaming of how his life could have been different without the interference of an intergalactic war. Seeing fractions of his future and almost regretting leaving his team. Time collapsed around Keith, shattering and scattering fragments of his story away from his grasp and all he could do was watch and be patient. Stare at the cruelty in Shiro's eyes and prepare for whatever life was going to throw at him.

And there was a side of him that longed for comfort in his mother's embrace, but he feared not being able to close the gates once they were open. So Keith held back. "_ Patience. Yields. Focus." _ echoed in his mind as he tried to prepare for the advancing storm. His tears could wait. Shiro would need him. 

And for once, Keith's patience was rewarded.

Shiro fought him to exhaustion and Keith didn't cry. Shiro held a blade against his neck and Keith didn't cry. Shiro scorched his skin and Keith didn't cry. Because time had _ confided _him with a secret, the knowledge he'd be back in the desert once again.

It wasn’t much, just the whisper of a moment, inconsistent, intangible and nearly visible. But, for an instant, Keith was back in the desert. And he didn't feel like last time, empty, alone and dead inside. He couldn't name what it was, but he felt it to his heart, veins, and bones, like pure light surrounding and embracing him, or a baby's very first breath. So Keith held onto it.

For Shiro, he cried out five words. 

For Keith, Shiro listened to three.

Not that it ended there. Maybe in another life, but not this one. In this one, Keith had his heart broken. By watching the man who once taught him what it means to not give up on oneself, try to convince him to do it by confessing their friends and his mother’s fate. By repeating the harm done to his best friend, this time in hopes to free him. And by watching pain, realization, and sorrow hit Keith’s favorite pair of eyes.

Falling felt unreal then, as if reality itself was telling him it was finally over, that there was nothing else he could do. In this life, they had lost. Keith had lost. All there was left to do was save Shiro to memory and close his eyes. It would be over, soon, or it could have been, if not for his guiding light.

The astral plane is a strange place. Felt too numb and intense at once, even when Shiro confirmed his worst fears to him. Keith doesn't even know how he still held back at this point. He could feel his barriers coming down, one by one, as if melting along with the mark left in his face. There can never be fairness in trading lives, and as much as it healed him to know the others are fine, Keith feels for the man he’s supposed to leave behind, despite Shiro’s unyielding efforts to push Keith forward.

Keith supposed his life was bound to be marked by trials when he found himself pleading for Shiro again in not enough time. And Keith has never been used to pleading, but he was cracking inside. 

"_ You can't do this to me again, _ " he says, leaving the _ You were just breathing again in my arms _ stuck inside his heart. Shiro was not done yet, Keith was not done yet, they were all not done yet. Keith wanted to feel what he knew he’d feel at the desert, and losing a piece of his heart wouldn’t get him there. Time made him a promise. He'd seen it, felt it.

And he was rewarded with a more concrete glimpse of it when his best friend said his name again.

Space is greedy, and it doesn’t take long for Keith to find himself lost one more time. Time felt endless then, but he wasn’t alone. The Paladins floated on nothingness and Keith thought he would suffocate in rage. Allowing it to flow out of him around others prone to have anger inside the heart caused it to hit him back, and give space to fear. And what could be scarier than losing his mind alongside people he believed to hate him?

Keith has always known loneliness, he can work with loneliness but doesn't have enough experience with friendships. That’s Hunk’s thing. That, and coincidentally enough, — or precisely for this reason — _ fear _.

So when the Yellow Paladin refused to let go, the Red Paladin decided to give his friends a chance.

* * *

  
  


Keith woke up after thinking it was the end. He’s on earth, he slept for too long, but he’s finally here. There's nothing but sand and the sun around him, warming his skin. The night’s coming soon, and he wants to see another sunset. The last time Keith was here, he was lost and alone, screaming in an attempt to wake his heart again. 

He needs to form that memory, but he feels as if it’s escaping between his fingers.

The desert hasn’t changed much. A bit lapidated by time. Still feels the same, much like Keith feels about himself. Instead of thinking he has no place on earth, this time he believes he can have a place anywhere he wantes and tonight, this place is here. 

Keith’s alone by choice today, but not entirely lonely. Not anymore. He wishes his dad could see him now, knowing it would've made him happy to see Keith happy. Seeing Keith having a chance with his mother, and realize she finally felt the universe was getting safer enough for them to reunite. 

Keith knows dad would’ve loved to meet every one of his friends. 

Probably receive them at the shack, ask for Keith to be a good host as he cooked a dinner worthy of heroes, like the ones in the stories he'd tell when Keith was younger. Probably try to shoo Hunk the fuck out of his kitchen until realizing it’s an impossible feat.

They'd have to set up space outside, because there's no way Dad wouldn’t receive all their families, including every single one of Lance's many relatives. He'd be amazed by every one of Coran or Romelle’s crazy stories, but if Keith’s memory is worth something, dad would probably have some of his own to match. 

Dad would be fascinated by Pidge and Matt's absolute geniality, even when they start to tear down his old equipment to update it. Patiently listen to every one of Kolivan's complaints on Keith's stubbornness. Ask Allura for a quick arm wrestling match just so he could be amazed over her strength. And hopefully, the fact Shiro had helped Keith restore the old bike could get some points with dad in Shiro’s favor.

Dad deserved all that, have a happy, thriving night in the desert. 

Keith deserved that too.

He only notices he’s crying when his mom finds him. He’s sitting in the ground, hugging his knees to his chest and flinches when she pops into existence with Kosmo by Keith’s side. But without hesitation, he raises his arms for her when their eyes meet. Keith needs her. His heart is about to burst and he might be scared of many things yet, but the rejection of his mother is not on that list anymore.

Mom holds him as he finally feels safe to collapse in her arms. She cries too, tries to muffle it in his hair and holds him tighter, like a wolf mother that spent too long without her cub. They stay there for hours, watching his favorite sunset in the universe, until Kosmo gets tired of waiting and starts barking, whining and trying to lick the tears out of their faces. 

Krolia starts laughing and it’s a contagious sound. Even more when Kosmo joins them to howl at the wind, until their voices get hoarse, and Keith feels in his heart what time tried to confide in him.

After they catch their breaths and try to dry their faces of all the drool on Kosmo’s fluffy fur in retaliation, mom tells Keith his family is looking for him.

"Shiro searched for you everywhere, even Atlas. Allura wants both of the Black Paladins on that speech for the Coalition." She tells him, gently sliding his hair away from his eyes.

"I thought the rehearsal was in 2 hours."

"It is, and when I questioned him about it... Well, I'm not supposed to say what he said, but I'm sure it involves the pretty bouquet in his hands."

"A bou—"

"Yes, pretty, full of red flowers that I couldn't know less about. But red’s your favorite color, right?"

Keith’s eyes go wide. "Mom!"

"Ok, there's more,” She sniffs. “Well, you know I’m a spy, I’ll always be a spy and I'm really good in finding openings so I can do my job and I can't tell you what's happening but I can assure you there might be one or two of Hunk’s cakes involved. And outrageous decoration that has everything to do with Coran, Romelle, Lance and the Holts and absolutely nothing with you. Allura even made sure to leave the whole place shining with alchemy, don’t ask me how, but the many guests invited by Kolivan and Iverson seem to be loving everything. The only problem is, we're all missing your presence."

Keith feels his eyes burn and dodges from her kind gaze to the ground, but she pulls him to her arms again.

"Happy birthday, son."

* * *

She lets go, eventually. Takes a step back as Keith looks across the horizon one last time before they leave again to finish their fight. Many times Keith shattered, rebuilt himself, cracked again and the desert remained here. And against all his expectations, time did allow him to start healing, in his own way. Taught him to see hope in the unknown. And he'd fight to keep seeing it, for as long as it took him. 

Keith takes his mother's hand, scratches behind Kosmo's ear, and for just a split second, disappears from existence.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this was uhhh, cathartic somehow.


End file.
